20th February

I’m craving for alcohol really badly today… But I will Not Give In. My emotions are really high and ‘quick’ today. my head is all over the place, my mind is just rushing on and on to the next thing. I am trying to remain steady and appear ‘normal’. I have been reading and listening to my new audiobook.

Meg went back to preschool, and I forgot this morning, about forest school – I felt dreadful that Meg didn’t have her wellies. I felt judged and overwhelmed. I could actually feel myself sweating…

Yesterday we went to Steve’s mum’s for dinner. Everyone was there. I felt able to cope with this gathering last night, and all was well. Today, I feel anxious and jittery. I feel sick with fear and paranoia. I keep on wondering if I can just get a small drink to ease my pain and anxiety, without anyone noticing? Its fucking insane, but this is how my mind works… my head and my heart hurts so bad, I just need relief.  The thoughts are there, and I’m noticing them, but I will not act on them. I don’t have to drink. I will not drink.

Am still waiting for my appointment with the mental health team, it’s been over two weeks now. I just hope it come through soon.

I’m out this evening at Jude’s for dinner. I’m extremely nervous about this, because she knows all about the troubles of the past few weeks. She doesn’t judge me, but I feel ashamed, I will have to force myself to go.



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