Death and Drinking

I am home alone, after a fairly mundane night shift. The girl is at school, and I feel pretty odd. I should be asleep, but I cannot settle.

I am overthinking about death. Not suicide or anything, but people I love dying… its quite disturbing now.  I keep on having visions of terrible car accidents in which my family or friends are involved in… and I cant think why this is happening all of a sudden. It is not something I have experienced before.

Also I am consumed by thoughts of drinking, just something ‘ to take the edge off ‘ my increasing anxiety. I will NOT drink, but I am concerned. I never want to go back to how it was when I was in the grip of my addiction, but the demon is there again, trying to take hold, and suck me in with its false promises.

Things are fairly stable and settled at the moment, and I’m wondering if in my head, I need to rock the boat a bit by drinking? Its a fucking nightmare, why cant I be happy with the fact that life is good and the chaos is over? I do sometimes wonder if I used to enjoy the big dramas that I so often created?  I am trying to focus on the good things and not be led into the rabbit hole of my mind…

Thoughts are Not facts, I can stay on top of this.

I will try to go to sleep now.

 

 

 

 

8 thoughts on “Death and Drinking

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  1. Hi SM. I don’t know your story very well, so this may or may not pertain to you. I am someone who has a co-morbid condition of bipolar. When my bipolar is cycling, sometimes before a manic or depressive state takes its full shape, my paranoia will shoot up, usually for 1-3 weeks. It acts as a mental indicator that something (depression or mania) is on the horizon. I find my anxiety heightens as well and, similar to you, my imagination takes over and thinks about horrible demises for all those I hold near and dear. For me, the paranoia is good information because it gives me a heads-up that something bigger is developing. It also gives me a window to work on self-care in hopes of curtailing a full-blown episode, or at least diminish how big it presents itself. Does this help at all? I hope so.* Sending good thoughts your way -HM.

    1. Hi there , this seems to be quite similar to how my behaviours come about. I am really struggling at the moment, and think I need a few days of self care. Thanks for your insight xx

  2. I know a lot of drinkers who get nervous with serenity and calmness in their lives. They don’t know what to make of it. Some have even gone back out because they couldn’t take it any more. It sounds crazy on the surface, but I understand it. In the end I have had to learn to embrace and love the serenity. I can’t imagine going back to that tempest in a tea pot!

    1. Thanks for this… This is how I feel actually! Its almost as if I cannot handle the calm!
      I certainly don’t want to go back to the chaos and Hell I was living in, but also my life has been all about the drama in the past, and its suddenly not. I feel almost boring… Is this odd? 💜

      1. This is not odd at all! It’s surprisingly common. I hear it all the time. I was in the same boat. But I started to explore new things and also found myself going back to things I used to love but lost due to drinking – like writing, for example. The calm is great, but it’s not easy to accept the calm. It boggles people’s minds sometimes that those in recovery could go back to drinking or using after things have settled in nicely for them. What they don’t understand is that it’s frightening for us at first. The drama is almost easier to cope with. But it passes! You will see!

  3. I get the weird death car accident thoughts too! You’re definitely not alone in that. Rob thinks it’s as I get to grips with one anxiety my brain tries to replace it with another. Perhaps something similar is happening with you? Xx

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