I am home alone, after a fairly mundane night shift. The girl is at school, and I feel pretty odd. I should be asleep, but I cannot settle.
I am overthinking about death. Not suicide or anything, but people I love dying… its quite disturbing now. I keep on having visions of terrible car accidents in which my family or friends are involved in… and I cant think why this is happening all of a sudden. It is not something I have experienced before.
Also I am consumed by thoughts of drinking, just something ‘ to take the edge off ‘ my increasing anxiety. I will NOT drink, but I am concerned. I never want to go back to how it was when I was in the grip of my addiction, but the demon is there again, trying to take hold, and suck me in with its false promises.
Things are fairly stable and settled at the moment, and I’m wondering if in my head, I need to rock the boat a bit by drinking? Its a fucking nightmare, why cant I be happy with the fact that life is good and the chaos is over? I do sometimes wonder if I used to enjoy the big dramas that I so often created? I am trying to focus on the good things and not be led into the rabbit hole of my mind…
Thoughts are Not facts, I can stay on top of this.
I will try to go to sleep now.