Wobbly

Paranoia clings to me like a cold sweat. I feel everyone watching me. Im worried Im losing my grip again. Things have been so good for so long.

Today I am grateful to be able to go on trips with Meg’s school, something that I obviously couldnt have done a year ago; BUT I felt insecure and like I was being judged by the teachers and other parents.  I probably won’t volunteer again.  I doubt I’ll ever be confident enough.

I am beginning to have some rather unsettling dreams lately. Some are drinking dreams, which I dont really think much about now, but others are dreams about the husband having affairs. I remember these quite vividly when I wake up and they make me feel quite angry and anxious for a lot of the day. I Dont know what to think of it.

The way I have been treated in the past is the reason for my trust issues, but I really struggle to overcome this and accept that he’s not cheating.

My mind continues to fuck with me.

I am finding peace when I go out early for walks with the puppy.  He can’t go far yet, but I find that 15 minutes to myself out in the open is helping. I am trying my best to keep my routine and stay on top of things.

I am back at work this weekend, so I will be exhausted by Tuesday, and trying to catch up on my sleep. I am still enjoying the job and it’s benefits to us, so I am happy to be there most of the time.

8 thoughts on “Wobbly

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      1. That’s a good plan.
        I find it very hard to see my own struggles from the middle of them.
        I consider my therapist my guide. Sometimes my husband is this person as well.
        But when I feel overwhelmed I must tell people. It shines light on the situation and always make it seem less scary.

      2. Sometimes I find it hard to know who to tell when I feel this way. My husband is not always that person. I feel alone a lot. I have walked the pup today after my sleep… feeling a bit better now 💜 Thanks again x

  1. I totally get this. You’re not alone and you’re doing an amazing job. Well done for the school trip journey. That can’t have been easy. I feel like that often walking into the office. Sitting in a waiting room. Waiting at the school. You’re mind may still fck with you as you say, I see too poison Alice, she digs up nasties – signals of extreme violence and death, failure and paranoia but she is doing that because she is being detoxed. It’s how I like to think of it. So fck her too. Be strong hon. Continue to take those moments of you time.

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