Paranoia clings to me like a cold sweat. I feel everyone watching me. Im worried Im losing my grip again. Things have been so good for so long.
Today I am grateful to be able to go on trips with Meg’s school, something that I obviously couldnt have done a year ago; BUT I felt insecure and like I was being judged by the teachers and other parents. I probably won’t volunteer again. I doubt I’ll ever be confident enough.
I am beginning to have some rather unsettling dreams lately. Some are drinking dreams, which I dont really think much about now, but others are dreams about the husband having affairs. I remember these quite vividly when I wake up and they make me feel quite angry and anxious for a lot of the day. I Dont know what to think of it.
The way I have been treated in the past is the reason for my trust issues, but I really struggle to overcome this and accept that he’s not cheating.
My mind continues to fuck with me.
I am finding peace when I go out early for walks with the puppy. He can’t go far yet, but I find that 15 minutes to myself out in the open is helping. I am trying my best to keep my routine and stay on top of things.
I am back at work this weekend, so I will be exhausted by Tuesday, and trying to catch up on my sleep. I am still enjoying the job and it’s benefits to us, so I am happy to be there most of the time.