We Need To Talk About Alice.

Grief and Shame.

I have another daughter. She is Alice. From another life. A drunk, disturbed and broken life. Alice lives with her father in Wales because I couldn’t get sober when She needed me to. I live with guilt and shame every day. I hurt everyday.

I fought in court to gain access to see her, which was granted by a judge – BUT nobody could really enforce it as her father said that Alice didn’t want to see me. She was 4 at the time. I fought for over a year, had meetings with social services and went back to court regularly. Sometimes I think I didn’t fight hard enough for myself or Alice.

I felt let down by the system. Now I understood how fathers feel in these situations and how the system is played. I was exhausted with fighting all the time. I was losing my mind. I wasn’t strong enough. I felt like I could never win. I couldn’t listen to anymore of the lies.

It was almost as if, because I’m an alcoholic I didn’t deserve to be heard. Didn’t deserve to see my daughter, even in a supervised situation.

Sometimes its easier not to think of Alice, pretend she doesn’t exist. I live a different life now, I am blessed and grateful Every Day, but she haunts me. I am full of regret and sorrow for the girl I let down.

Its been five years tomorrow since I last saw her. Months go by without anybody speaking of her, its like shes dead. Shes not DEAD. I send birthday cards and I write, but in reality I have no clue where she is anymore – and I haven’t tried very hard to find her.

I had to get myself well. I hope that one day I will be strong enough to face my ex and fight to see Alice.

Always in my heart x

7 thoughts on “We Need To Talk About Alice.

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  1. I’m not a mother so I can’t possibly imagine how this feels but I’m so sorry that you’re hurting so much. Getting and staying sober is such a positive step towards solving our big, heavy problems. I hope you can find your way back to her as soon as possible x

  2. I am so SORRY that this happened to you and your daughter. Kids need both parents, and she will experience the loss in some way from adults cutting you off from her.

    I got divorced two and half years ago. I was fortunately sober at the time (and in therapy 4 days a week, meditating, etc.) so the custody ended up being 50-50. However, their mom said lots of horrible things about me that we’re not true or the full extent of reality or reflective of her side of the truth. It was very stressful at the time the nightmare of maybe not seeing my kids very much.

    Last month, the kid’s mom and the kids and I went on a four day trip together. I end up getting the kids an extra weekend or two a month too when she has to work or gets sick. It’s bizarre now that during the divorce she painted me a monster but…

    I say this to say that things / situations change, and they might for you too.

  3. God bless you. What an incredibly hard journey you’ve had I’m so sorry. You have been amazingly strong. Your Alice will know that mummy tried. And that’s important. She will one day I’m sure ask questions that her dad will simply not be able to answer. I hope you are reunited at some point. Keep hope in your heart. Sending love 💜

  4. As she gets older she’ll learn that there’s more than one side to every story, and she’ll probably want to know your side too. My Mum’s life was very, very different but one of her greatest sadnesses was her biological mother refusing to tell hers (she lived with us under the pretence of being an aunt). All Mum ever wanted was the truth so she could learn about herself and bury the rejection. I know you’ll be waiting when Alice needs to know about her life and you, and I think she’ll see just how much you love her. Xxx

  5. I searched for BPD because my daughter is being evaluated. One of my constant thoughts is about her future and what it looks like with BPD. I think you might be able to give me some insight as I follow you over time!!!! Thank You for sharing your heartaches. I am very sorry for you and Alice.

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