Grief and Shame.
I have another daughter. She is Alice. From another life. A drunk, disturbed and broken life. Alice lives with her father in Wales because I couldn’t get sober when She needed me to. I live with guilt and shame every day. I hurt everyday.
I fought in court to gain access to see her, which was granted by a judge – BUT nobody could really enforce it as her father said that Alice didn’t want to see me. She was 4 at the time. I fought for over a year, had meetings with social services and went back to court regularly. Sometimes I think I didn’t fight hard enough for myself or Alice.
I felt let down by the system. Now I understood how fathers feel in these situations and how the system is played. I was exhausted with fighting all the time. I was losing my mind. I wasn’t strong enough. I felt like I could never win. I couldn’t listen to anymore of the lies.
It was almost as if, because I’m an alcoholic I didn’t deserve to be heard. Didn’t deserve to see my daughter, even in a supervised situation.
Sometimes its easier not to think of Alice, pretend she doesn’t exist. I live a different life now, I am blessed and grateful Every Day, but she haunts me. I am full of regret and sorrow for the girl I let down.
Its been five years tomorrow since I last saw her. Months go by without anybody speaking of her, its like shes dead. Shes not DEAD. I send birthday cards and I write, but in reality I have no clue where she is anymore – and I haven’t tried very hard to find her.
I had to get myself well. I hope that one day I will be strong enough to face my ex and fight to see Alice.
Always in my heart x