I’m heading for a crash! I can feel it. My head is pounding all the time. Every day lately is a cycle of crying and screaming, crying and shouting. And then I feel numb. It’s all too Much, or it’s absolutely Nothing. I just want to sleep and sleep. 

Every day I start off positive that things will be better, today it will be different, but I always seem to end up crying. Or shouting and screaming. I’m learning to cry silently now, so as not to upset anyone. I feel completely alone.  I am fighting a battle in my own head, and it’s exhausting. I am angry and desperately sad. 

I have been to my doctor, and she changed my medication, so I’m hoping that all the feelings will calm down soon. 

I am doing my best not to wallow, I’m still practicing my meditation and obviously I’m writing. I am aware of the good things – BUT – the frustration and the sadness is sucking me in.  I am also aware that I’m shutting the husband out, but I can’t seem to help it… I feel resentful towards him, and I don’t even know why!? 

Damn my stupid mind.  I think that maybe they’ll be better off if I did get on that bus…
In other news I am sending people small gifts through the post, in the hope that they’ll feel special, just so they know they are loved. I find it strange that I can do this when I am feeling so much hurt and anger lately. I am working on the hope that one day all the good vibes I send out will come back to me? 

5 thoughts on “Crying

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  1. That’s a lovely gesture.
    I’m so sorry you are stuck in this. I really hope the meds work. I know I rely on my own meds to keep me at a place where meditation and deep breathing can work.
    Just be gentle with yourself.
    Hugs and love

  2. You are not alone honey. You are also so strong with sticking to sobriety and you should be proud of that. I spent a lot of yesterday crying and trying to fight off the screaming in my head, bats attacking me with screeches of failure and worthlessness. At one point I cuddle myself and hear myself speaking as if I was my late father. It’s ok Nats he says. You’re ok. I had some good advice to try and reach within on positive things around me. What you did with the gifts is lovely and you would have brightened someone’s day. Knowing there are people in this world who give like that selflessly is a positive I am taking to help me. So thank you. I hope the new medication helps too. Sending hugs xx

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