This is Anxiety

This photo is ten minutes after my panic over going out for a meal with my in-laws. Needless to say, I didn’t end up going…

I got myself all dressed up for the evening, I was feeling really good about myself. Then the text messages began… ‘ what are you wearing? ‘ etc. I soon realised that all the girls were going casual in jeans and jumpers, and I was dolled up in a dress and heels. My heart sank, and my head span, I felt sick with panic and nerves all of a sudden.

I felt Stupid to have gone to all that effort and now all of a sudden, paranoia and fear gripped me.  I just couldn’t leave the house.

This is how my mental health affects my life, sometimes  it actually stops me doing things. I was really looking forward to going out and being with my in-laws, but my over reaction to a text message caused it all to implode and the anxiety won last night.

This morning, I still feel useless and pathetic. I am overwhelmed with intense emotions, and I’m overplaying things in my head. I feel ridiculous for even bothering to make myself look nice for a night out. Everything is hurting…

Suddenly I feel as low as possible, and it all seems so pointlessly stupid.

I just want to stop worrying and caring what other people are Thinking of Me. I don’t want to seek validation from others, but I guess, deep down that need to feel accepted is always there.

I believed that I was improving, I was really on the up and getting somewhere, and now I feel as if I’m at square one again.

How quickly it all changes?

I want to shut myself away and not speak to or see anybody, as I can almost feel the fear and anxiety seeping out of me. I feel jittery and on edge, and it’s exhausting.

 

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12 thoughts on “This is Anxiety

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  1. Big hug. Your post touches me right to my heart.
    I experience similar anxiety. It is so hard.
    You are safe and ok.
    There will be other opportunities to go out.
    It’s ok.
    Gentle and soft.

    I often wonder why I have to be like this when others are seem to have much less self doubt. But asking why never helps. Just make today ok.
    Anne

  2. hi, i don’t know you and my “advice” might not be what anyone needs per se, but next time… no matter what anyone is wearing, go out in that pretty dress and your heels. You know you felt good in that outfit and instead of fitting in with “normal” dressed down attire, don’t be afraid to shine or stand out. You can be elegant among them. That’s ok.
    For full transparency I’ve had anxiety attacks, but I don’t have them any more… and I am a recovering alcoholic… and my sobriety makes me feel more beautiful than anything else.
    I don’t try to get validation from anyone anymore. It’s nice when it happens and all, but mostly I have to forgive myself and love-remember myself in order to extend that to others. Anyhow… sorry if that’s all too “neat” sounding.
    You are a beautiful person. Even when you cry. I was touched by your writing. Peace to you. 🙂

      1. Just do it. I know that sounds trite. I don’t mean it like that. I mean right now, tell you, you love you. Thank your body for carrying you this far thru whatever was right or wrong feeling… she’s still with you, doing her very best. Accept her where she is limited or not ready, and love her like you would a child. Your inner child is deserving of love. She/you always deserved love.
        You are in fact (or my humble opinion) sharing your beauty.
        I had to find a good meditation-positivity person to help guide me when I forget. But she’d say, “you are meant to be here and you have a purpose and we need you. You are fully supported. Know this. Only you can offer your unique gifts. Now breathe that slowing in… and out.” 🙂
        It’s nice to “meet” you.

      2. Lovely to meet you too. I need to go look in the mirror and give myself a talking to… Ha! I am grateful for my body for getting me this far. Thank you for the pep talk! ❤

      3. thank you too. 🙂 I don’t know if you are interested in this kind of thing, but I found her work sort of by accident, but when I needed it to motivate me and wake me up… I like the sound of her voice and her authentic, sincere manner… (the audio) deals with anxiety and helps you create a positive mindset, but without bullsh**ting ourselves. (if it’s not your kind of thing, please lemme know so I don’t bother you. I don’t mean to be pushy.) https://youtu.be/wrE3Tqi1JwM

  3. I am still getting used to where things are on WordPress and I only now saw your post. I am so very sorry this happened. I do understand. I was plauged with panic attacks for many years. They’ve mostly cleared up, but I get that grip it has, and how frustrating it is that it robs you of things you want. You are absolutely lovely. Do you have something you say to yourself? I say, “It’s okay, and I love you” when the anxiety begins to creep or if a full attack has me in its grip. Thank you for sharing this. ❤

  4. I like that second picture a lot more, but I understand your anxiety. I am sorry that you weren’t able to go out, but as Anne said, there will be many other opportunities. I can relate to the whole idea of struggling to love and accept myself. I REALLY struggle with it. I am much better than before, and at times I actually like myself (lol), but it’s a different mindset. I drank for decades, a big FU to myself all those years. So even now, 6+ years sober and doing the spiritual and emotional work, I still find it difficult to not listen to the critical voices in my head. But at least we recognize it! That’s a big difference.
    Anyways, I hope that next time, yes, you can go out in that wonderful dress and heels and just be!
    Blessings
    Paul

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