I am not a natural mother.
It Doesn’t come easy for me. Sometimes I battle with my feelings about my daughter. I love her totally and utterly, but I often wonder if she’s better off without me?
When I am in the middle of a depression, I am not fun to be around, and physically I am tired and lethargic. I lose my patience very easily with the girl, and I have a lot of anger and rage when I’m in the middle of a Mental Health Crisis. I am guessing that Meg is the one that sees all the different sides of me, the most often, and I’m always wondering how this affects my darling, sweet girl.
She is a very emotional and empathetic young soul, she likes to hold me, and ‘make me feel better’. I hope she doesn’t feel responsible for me when I’m having a down day?
Obviously, it is a Huge thing that she no longer has to see me drinking or being hungover, or vomiting and withdrawing from a binge… And she did witness all of the above, so I know that we have moved on from that, But… I do still worry about the times she sees me crying, and I can’t explain it well to a four year old.
I spend too much time overthinking and second guessing my parenting choices and decisions, it’s bloody hard work, but I’m so scared of screwing up my daughter because of my own issues and mental health problems.
I am fully aware that other parents struggle every day with their own personal problems, and worry about the kids, I just feel stuff so acutely most of the time that my head feels like it will explode over a minor parenting ‘ fail ‘ some days. I can still be quite unpredictable, although this isn’t too often now. I can kind of sense an intense day coming – for me – so I put things into place to deal with things better. My perspective is clearer these days, and I’ve learned to remove myself from my own thoughts with mindfulness… It does work most of the time!
I’m enjoying being with Meg, and we have a lovely time mostly, but there are still days where I wish I could just abandon all responsibility and just disappear. I don’t want to feel like this, and I don’t know if this is ‘ normal’ ?
I don’t think this is to do with her though really, it’s more about me, and the desire to stop all the painful thoughts when I’m feeling depressed. Oh, and then there’s the guilt I carry with me every day. Sometimes I feel like it’s one step forward, two steps back.
Baby steps forward. Always ❤