Parenting and Mental Illness.

I am not a natural mother.

It Doesn’t come easy for me. Sometimes I battle with my feelings about my daughter. I love her totally and utterly, but I often wonder if she’s better off without me?

When I am in the middle of a depression, I am not fun to be around, and physically I am tired and lethargic. I lose my patience very easily with the girl, and I have a lot of anger and rage when I’m in the middle of a Mental Health Crisis. I am guessing that Meg is the one that sees all the different sides of me, the most often, and I’m always wondering how this affects my darling, sweet girl.

She is a very emotional and empathetic young soul, she likes to hold me, and ‘make me feel better’. I hope she doesn’t feel responsible for me when I’m having a down day?

Obviously, it is a Huge thing that she no longer has to see me drinking or being hungover, or vomiting and withdrawing from a binge… And she did witness all of the above, so I know that we have moved on from that, But… I do still worry about the times she sees me crying, and I can’t explain it well to a four year old.

I spend too much time overthinking and second guessing my parenting choices and decisions, it’s bloody hard work, but I’m so scared of screwing up my daughter because of my own issues and mental health problems.

I am fully aware that other parents struggle every day with their own personal problems, and worry about the kids, I just feel stuff so acutely most of the time that my head feels like it will explode over a minor parenting ‘ fail ‘ some days. I can still be quite unpredictable, although this isn’t too often now. I can kind of sense an intense day coming – for me – so I put things into place to deal with things better. My perspective is clearer these days, and I’ve learned to remove myself from my own thoughts with mindfulness… It does work most of the time!

I’m enjoying being with Meg, and we have a lovely time mostly, but there are still days where I wish I could just abandon all responsibility and just disappear. I don’t want to feel like this, and I don’t know if this is ‘ normal’ ?

I don’t think this is to do with her though really, it’s more about me, and the desire to stop all the painful thoughts when I’m feeling depressed. Oh, and then there’s the guilt I carry with me every day. Sometimes I feel like it’s one step forward, two steps back.

Baby steps forward. Always ❤

15 thoughts on “Parenting and Mental Illness.

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  1. Please don’t be so hard on yourself – it sounds like you’ve already made huge positive steps. Parenting is such bloody hard work – I wasn’t brilliant and whenever I look back I feel so guilty. My daughter is 26 and we still spend a lot of time struggling. I always look in envy at other mother and daughter relationships, which from the outside look so wonderful (the joy of social media) – but, actually I think every parent struggles and we know no-one is perfect. So, keep going – find someone good to talk to, go for a walk in a field and scream and then spend that special time having hugs xx

  2. I appreciate how raw and honest you’re being. I bet that little girl thinks you’re the strongest person ever because of all you’ve overcome. Don’t beat yourself up because you do something that many others don’t: you try. All parents struggle with rather or not they are doing a good job by their kids, but the great thing about kids is they love you for free. No qualifications or experience needed. All they need is your love. I love how open you are and I know things will get better and better. Great post hon!

  3. I can absolutely relate with how you feel. In moment of total distress I say to my husband ‘you’d all be so much better off without me’ – but in moments of calm and clarity I know that no one will love my boys as much as I do; as faulty as I feel, my love for this is perfect x

  4. Don’t be so hard on yourself, mental health is a hard battle I have BPD, I also have 5 children (2 step, 3 birth) I have fought drug addiction (which I am a year clear as of last month). But you can make it, when she gets older if she hasn’t already been told, explain it to her. I currently don’t have my children and they will know that I struggles and it was best for them to get away while I got better. Still working on my mental health but besides that I am good, and ready for my babies to come home.

    1. Well done on fighting your drug addiction! I’m sorry about your children, and I know all about that too. Good luck with your mission to have them returned to you. Loves 💕🌈

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