Random Holiday Thoughts

Thursday

It’s very warm! A bit too warm for me!

Today I will try to spend the entire day with my family, without my phone. I will attempt to have fun and be pleasant. I’m trying to get used to doing nothing and relaxing. I have my audiobook which I am desperate to get back to, but of course this would not be acceptable.

I am obsessing about whether or not I can get away with putting alcohol into my fruit drink without it being obvious to the husband… BUT I am fast forwarding this event in my head, and the ending isn’t pretty. I will NOT Drink.

I’m still taking the Quetiapine, but now I don’t feel quite so hungry in the mornings, and I’m enjoying eating fruit and yogurt for breakfast.

I’m feeling a bit worried and cross with myself for not being ‘more fun’. I want to be the fun mummy, yet something stops me from letting myself. I am always fearful of being judged harshly and laughed at.

My thoughts are erratic and up and down right now, and I am quite aware of how difficult I must be to live with, especially for Megan. I can imagine it’s quite confusing for her. My guilt overwhelms me, why can’t I be a normal Mum?

I feel angry, frightened and broken.

I have continuing thoughts of my own death, and how it’ll be to just Die. I am NOT Suicidal. Just thinking about death, simply not being alive anymore .

How would you want to die?

What would you do for love?

What if, what we have, Isn’t Enough?

I am looking at my relationship with my husband, and I do worry that we are simply coasting along, I often wonder if we have both ‘settled’. Will there be a time when our marriage won’t be enough? Will it fall apart, simply due to a lack of communication? Sometimes I wonder if he’ll be better off without me?

Such swirling thoughts all the time.

Friday.

I am beginning to feel better today, and I am more interested and engaged. I believe that to have a full and rich life, you need to join in, to participate, and let people into your life.

Obviously, this is a big struggle for me, but I am making a huge effort. I can feel the cloud lifting now.

I joined in with archery this morning and it was a lot of fun! Also no thought of drinking today!

Saturday

The weather is cooler this morning and I am grateful. I will never be a sun worshipper , but I do kind of admire those who can lay down and get beautiful tans.. yet I will be forever pale and interesting!

Yesterday I didn’t take my phone out and I managed to finish my book , which I cannot get out of my head.

Faithful by Alice Hoffman has completely changed the way I think about my grief, guilt and shame. I can no longer carry that baggage around in my heart.

I am not going to do a book review, but I urge anyone to read it.

I will still grieve for Alice, there will never be a closure, but I can no longer carry all that shame and guilt around with me. It is too heavy, I have to let go.

I feel as though a bomb has gone off in my heart, but it’s time now to piece it back to wholeness.

Faithful https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1471157733/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_ppmYAb7XHJ1SX

Anyhow, this is a glimpse into my disordered mind whilst on holiday, attempting to relax… There is no quiet. .

4 thoughts on “Random Holiday Thoughts

Add yours

  1. Beautiful and bright eyed.
    Your family needs you. They don’t need a silly, fun mom. They need a real mom who shows them trying is all we can do and support is a good thing.
    You are a great role model.
    Hugs
    Anne

  2. I feel your pain. In early sobriety I had the same thoughts but honestly they do fade; it’s just the drink demon trying to convince you otherwise. Tell it to sod off. Be easy on yourself; your family would prefer to sober and sensible. It WILL get easier. xx

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