All the feelings

I’m struggling to sit with my strong feelings again. I’m finding it hard  not to react or explode in anger at the slightest thing…

I am just back from walking the dog around the lake. I put my headphones in, and just walked, and let the emotions flow. There were tears of sadness, shame and regret. I am just not feeling well, or good enough lately. I don’t seem to be able to do anything right, or not do Enough right.

Next came the intense rage and anger, which is obviously the emotion I am most afraid of. I feel like I am trying to control a beast all the time, and its exhausting.  I feel like I’m losing my battle again lately.

I have very strong urges to just Numb Out everything. I don’t want to drink or harm myself, not really, but I am always looking for things to take away the noise and the pain in my head. My swirling emotions are beginning to even frighten me. I never know when I might just snap!

I have a psych appointment tomorrow morning which I am glad about, and I will be taking my journal along with me to try and show her how erratic I am most of the time.

I am really struggling with the fact that perhaps this is just how I am? Maybe no amount of therapy or medication will ease how I feel on a daily basis. Maybe I just have to accept it, and find the little pieces of joy in between to build a life from.

I’m trying to figure out, how, now that I am Sober, I actually feel mentally worse? or it seems like it to me, and I think that my immediate family would probably think the same.

I have figured out that a well made up face can hide how I am feeling really well, and I am having a lot of fun practising different makeup looks. I am watching YouTube videos that show you how to perfect a look, and its fun to try these.

As I sit here, relatively calm and steady it is hard to believe how out of control I felt just two hours ago, with an overwhelming urge to drink running through my mind. I am very pleased that most of the time, I do not act on these impulses and I do know that they will pass.

Sometimes I feel very frustrated and it hurts me to think that I am unheard and overlooked, until I start screaming and shouting. I feel like just vanishing one day, and I wonder what would happen? if I’m not here, to do the washing, to take and fetch from school, to do the jobs I do, that go unnoticed? Perhaps someone would just fill my space and these roles would be reassigned? Maybe it wouldn’t matter if I walked away? i seem to cause more trouble than I’m worth anyhow…

Here we go again, this is how my mind dances with the Devil?!!







10 thoughts on “All the feelings

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  1. Hang in there! We all have these same feelings! You are not alone. Feeling insignificant and not accomplishing anything in this world. Have faith that you do matter. Especially to your family–the ones who often don’t tell you. You have a purpose. You will get there. One step at a time, one day at a time…

  2. I also have these dramatic mood swings. Sometimes I scare myself.
    Imagining the emotions are clouds obscuring my peaceful sky sometimes helps.
    Otherwise I have 4 tattoos to remind me that my thoughts aren’t always real or true.
    It’s hard.
    Hug hug hug

    1. I’m trying so hard to hold on to normal. I feel lost at sea right now. I saw mental health team today, diagnosis of severe depression and anxiety. New pills Again and shoved out the door! Ahh, I will live to fight another day x
      Thank you for your support, as always x 😘😘💕

  3. I thought medication was the answer. Trust me. I am all about taking a pill and seeing results. Not doing the work myself. Oh, I have the “best” doctor. He will give me whatever I want and then, like you said, “shove you out the door”. Xanax, Wellbutrin and a few other antidepressants, Temazepam… I could go on. But I quit it all. It did not help me. It made me 10 times worse. Paranoid, anxious, nauseous and then I would drown it in alcohol. A week and a half out, I feel infinitely better. No symptoms. If it works for you, great. If not, maybe look into just saying -forget this- and just quit it all. Under supervision of course. Not everyone has their primary doctor as their next door neighbor like I do. Keep your chin up and your heart in it, Love. 😘

    1. Thanks my love, This has come at just the right time. All day I have been thinking about not replying on any medication! How bizarre you should write this now…
      I am feeling quite positive today, and I have an appointment on Friday with my GP, so I will discuss things further. 😘💕🌈

  4. Remind me how long you’ve been sober? I can’t remember. I’ve been feeling really uncomfortable lately with my world and stress and I’m hitting 9 months soon. It did get better but I feel like I’m having an emotional relapse and I was wondering if this is what’s happening with you as well. You’re not alone. You’re absolutely not alone. I’m going to try meditation again. I really don’t want medication, and as much as I dread doing it, meditation always makes me feel better when I do it. Hang in there.

    1. Hiya, I have been sober for almost 15 months now, some days are so tough. Am struggling to find a medication that suits me at the moment. Emotionally I am up and down all the time, just trying to maintain a healthy balance is difficult. Well done on your nine months! 💕🔆🌈

      1. Hey, have you considered a DBT therapist or therapy group? It was invaluable for me in treatment, and my best friend went through a similar program not aimed at addiction when she had her breakdown. It’s changed her life for the better in immeasurable ways.

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