I’m struggling to sit with my strong feelings again. I’m finding it hard not to react or explode in anger at the slightest thing…
I am just back from walking the dog around the lake. I put my headphones in, and just walked, and let the emotions flow. There were tears of sadness, shame and regret. I am just not feeling well, or good enough lately. I don’t seem to be able to do anything right, or not do Enough right.
Next came the intense rage and anger, which is obviously the emotion I am most afraid of. I feel like I am trying to control a beast all the time, and its exhausting. I feel like I’m losing my battle again lately.
I have very strong urges to just Numb Out everything. I don’t want to drink or harm myself, not really, but I am always looking for things to take away the noise and the pain in my head. My swirling emotions are beginning to even frighten me. I never know when I might just snap!
I have a psych appointment tomorrow morning which I am glad about, and I will be taking my journal along with me to try and show her how erratic I am most of the time.
I am really struggling with the fact that perhaps this is just how I am? Maybe no amount of therapy or medication will ease how I feel on a daily basis. Maybe I just have to accept it, and find the little pieces of joy in between to build a life from.
I’m trying to figure out, how, now that I am Sober, I actually feel mentally worse? or it seems like it to me, and I think that my immediate family would probably think the same.
I have figured out that a well made up face can hide how I am feeling really well, and I am having a lot of fun practising different makeup looks. I am watching YouTube videos that show you how to perfect a look, and its fun to try these.
As I sit here, relatively calm and steady it is hard to believe how out of control I felt just two hours ago, with an overwhelming urge to drink running through my mind. I am very pleased that most of the time, I do not act on these impulses and I do know that they will pass.
Sometimes I feel very frustrated and it hurts me to think that I am unheard and overlooked, until I start screaming and shouting. I feel like just vanishing one day, and I wonder what would happen? if I’m not here, to do the washing, to take and fetch from school, to do the jobs I do, that go unnoticed? Perhaps someone would just fill my space and these roles would be reassigned? Maybe it wouldn’t matter if I walked away? i seem to cause more trouble than I’m worth anyhow…
Here we go again, this is how my mind dances with the Devil?!!