Being Open

My mental health is not good right now. I’m really struggling to get a grip. It’s been a few weeks since my meditation was changed Again and now my diagnosis is no longer Borderline Personality Disorder.

I am diagnosed with clinical depression. I don’t know what to do with this information, as everything on the symptom list for BPD is totally Me. I Am Borderline. My behaviour presents as a Borderline Personality Disorder…

And still…

I am hurting – over and over.

Tonight, I text my friends, a group message to tell them how I was feeling, and how I was struggling this past week. It was hard, but I Don’t Do it for sympathy, I only do it for understanding and in the hope that other people will be less afraid to say how they feel.

In all honesty, I did think of suicide again tonight. I feel low, depressed, and worthless. I feel like Meg and Steve are better off without the shouty mother/wife.

Like I said, I don’t say this for sympathy, I say it for understanding of mental health, and Actually of a number of Men that may struggle because their wives are struggling….

I’ve been put on the waiting list for a psychologist to discuss my treatment and further action and counselling, which is a good thing, except for the 18 month wait.

Perhaps, when I see this psychologist, do I discuss my previous experience with counselling/social services?

Was I groomed? Or did I have a love affair with a social worker that was supposed to look after myself and my daughter while going through a custody battle?

Mark told me he loved me. We had a relationship for over two years. I have letters to prove this. He said he would leave his wife, and his career, for Me?!?

Our lives were devastated by this relationship…

Of course, though, once this all came out, it was me that dragged into the mud.

The social worker has a wife and family, Still. His wife is a published author.

I didn’t ruin her family. He ruined mine. He ruined my mind.

7 thoughts on “Being Open

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  1. I am sorry it will take so long to see someone.
    I think it’s important to tell people how we are feeling because it’s how we reach out for help, and to not isolate.
    I hope your friends are understanding.
    Hugs!
    xo
    Wendy

  2. Hug.
    They will not be better off without you. I know it seems bleak. Depression clouds everything.
    Be very gentle with yourself.
    18 months is a long wait.
    Hug hug hug
    Anne

  3. Like Wendy said, it is so important that you are reaching out to others, and I’m glad that you not only texted your friends but that you wrote this. Keep writing, keep reaching out every way you can right now. Staying connected to others is so important. I am so sorry that you were having thoughts of suicide again, I cannot imagine how difficult that must be to struggle with, but my heart swells at knowing that you took steps to reach out and also to write about it. I have a friend who took his life just last week, and this is how we all found out that he was battling depression. None of us had any idea what he was going through and we all wish we had known. I wish he had sent us text messages, I wish he had talked to us about it in some form. Not that we could change everything, but just knowing would have allowed us to support him in any way we could. Keep talking about it, keep pushing forward and be gentle with yourself. So much love and many hugs are being sent your way right now.

  4. Sending loadsa hugs your way….
    A lot of mental health services in the UK are, uh, not the best (I know that there are those centers that are good, I hope you can end up with a service that is awesome).
    Love and light…….
    E

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